Tuesday, 21 February 2012

One of those days (part one)

Today I am in a mood. Not a good one, mind you.

Today is also my mom's birthday, so I've kept quiet because I don't want to be a downer on her birthday.

I often wonder if I made a mistake having a kid. And to have that child have a disability on top of it? I find lately, that my patience is thinning. At the smallest things. Such as her personality developing to the point where she wants to play at mealtime (very normal thing for a baby). Or how she arches her back and twists and flops when I'm changing her diaper (normal). She rocks in her seat, shakes her head, and has something that looks LIKE spasms (but were proved to be benign. The rocking and shaking are normal for the most part, and sensory seeking).
I feel like Everleigh barely gets any therapy time. This is a mixed feeling of happiness and sadness for me. On one hand I feel like, if she needed more therapy and help then the therapists would be out here more often. But on the other hand I feel like she's not as far ahead as she could be because she's rarely seen. Maybe 1-3x a month. The developmental consultant is coming on Thursday, I'm going to bring it up to her then and see what she thinks/says.

I find myself very easily frustrated with Everleigh. Is it because it's been so long since there's been a baby in the house? Is it because I feel overwhelmed because I'm doing this alone? I love my kid, don't get me wrong, but I find myself resentful of my life because I'm the only one responsible for her. There's no one for me to pass her off on if I need a few minutes. My parents work so they've either worked all day and want to relax at night or they're home in the morning and getting ready for work so I'm home alone with her and the household all night. Don't get me wrong, my parents do help. My mom watches her and Scott will sit with her on the couch. But when they're not around I feel very overwhelmed. Ev has reflux. That frustrates me too. Because it's not her fault, but she always smells like spit up! Ev is small. Frustrating because she eats like a horse. She's not crawling, so it's not like she's burning unnecessary calories. I'm tired of hearing "oh she's so small!" "10 months?! She's so tiny!" I don't know what to tell people. "yeah, she's petite" "she has down syndrome, she's just destined to be small I guess" etc etc.

I'll finish this later...the aforementioned little girl is starting to get cranky. No sleep at school and now she's just bored...

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