Growing up, I always knew I wanted to be a mom. Right from when I was 16, I knew I wanted kids. And yeah, maybe I made some "silly choices" at times and hoped I would end up pregnant. But then I saw what it'd done to kids I grew up with and went to school with and decided to wait.
And even now, sometimes I think I should have waited. Not that Everleigh is a mistake, but sometimes the timing seems like a mistake.
But then I look down at her as she's guzzling back her bottle and I realize that she's mine. She's part of me. She's got half my DNA (plus an extra). Though this isn't about the Down Syndrome for once.
How could someone (if God exists, because I'm not always sure that it does), have given me a completely innocent live to be responsible for, to care for, to raise? This baby, who depends solely and completely on me for the rest of her life, may not turn out to be the best person she can be. Sometimes I condemn my parents for the choices they made in raising me. But you know what? They did the best they could with what they had. And, my parents divorced when I was 2. So my mom did the absolute best she could. And I turned out pretty decent -brushes shoulder-. But in all honesty, that's my fear. That one day she'll look back and condemn me for the choices I've made or will make concerning her.
Does every parent go through this phase of second-guessing themselves? Is it just a single parent thing, or do dual households do it as well? Is it a young parent thing, given that I'm only 21, or does every single parent do it.
Everleigh has a slightly droopy eyelid right now. And I'm not sure what it means. But I'm afraid to research it, for fear of what I could find. So I've resolved myself to just keeping an eye on it and hoping it doesn't get worse. But what if it does? What if something's wrong with her sight and I just let it go? That's the kind of second-guessing I'm getting at.
Being at my dad's this week with a giant dog means Everleigh hasn't gotten any tummy time so far..because I can't put her on the floor with Scooter romping around. Will this set her back? I hope not.
Basically what this post is supposed to be getting at is this...
Who decides whether or not someone has kids? Who decides the timing, the child, the circumstances? Who's idea was it to give me an innocent life to shape and raise and be responsible for? Because honestly, sometimes I think that Who made a mistake. Sometimes I think I'm not the best person to raise a child, nevermind one who will quite possibly need more than the "average" baby as she grows.
Whoever made this decision, I hope you made the right one.